You Had to Be There
You Had to Be There reflects on feelings of freedom and peace that come from moments of belonging. By skewing legibility and creating unusual yet enticing atmospheres, I have created a space for myself to reflect on this past year as a queer person beginning my transition. These are the moments of peace my younger self would not have believed possible. These are the moments where you had to be there to fully understand. In the midst of a year full of challenges, I am proud of all I have learned and the work that I made.
Some things I learned
1. I have already come so much further than I ever imagined, and I am still on my way.
2. In a world that is unkind to queerness, confidence is the best defense.
3. Fulfillment does not just happen. It is discovered when sought out moment by moment.
4. It is not my responsibility to educate those who ask invasive questions. No one is owed access to my body or my story.
5. Growth is not linear. It is pointless to beat myself over stagnancy in some areas when there is abundant growth in others.
6. What a blessing it is to have friends who never doubted my validity. I do not need to prove myself to them because they have always seen me.
7. Transitioning was a hail mary. It was a last ditch effort to not carry this constant, deep rooted discomfort within my body. It was about freeing myself from the anchor dragging my spirit down into insecurity and preventing me from being completely present. And it fucking worked.
8. To really understand transness or dysphoria you had to be there.
9. Internal, emotional labor is just as intense and necessary as external labor and productivity.
10. Peace was found in the sun, in music, in the birds and squirrels and bunnies who live in my shitty little backyard. My porch has given me a front row seat to the tree where I have found and appreciated beauty and imperfection and stillness.